Column: La Grange woman attacks syrup

The Free Press recently ran a contest to determine the “7 Wonders of Lenoir County,” and one of the winners was our very own communications director, Paulette Burroughs.

Burroughs has been with The Free Press since 1997.

“Before I came to work at The Free Press, I sold lingerie door-to-door,” Burroughs said. “My biggest seller in these parts was a bustier that came with its own roll cage.”

Burroughs said her big break came one day when she stopped at the door of Free Press publisher Patrick Holmes.

“I came up on this house and I could hear Bette Midler blaring out of the stereo,” Burroughs said. “The man that came to the door said he was in the middle of his jazzercise routine and asked that I come back later. When I came back he had just gotten out of the shower and had slipped on a dashikis jump suit.”

Holmes said he was immediately taken with Paulette’s demeanor and salesmanship.

“In my heart I knew I didn’t need a thong repair kit, but she was a great salesperson,” Holmes said.

Before Burroughs could leave, Holmes offered her a job at The Free Press.

“To be honest, the lingerie job paid better, but I had a trial coming up and I thought changing my line of work might help my case,” Burroughs said.

Burrough’s attorney Danny Daughety said the charges against Burroughs were greatly exaggerated.

“The simple fact of the matter is that my client had a bad reaction to some cold medicine,” Daughety said. “After accidentally taking 12 times the recommended dosage, Mrs. Burroughs went grocery shopping. While on the condiment aisle, she thought Aunt Jemima and Ms. Butterworth were staring at her husband, so she retaliated by biting the head off of every bottle in the store.”

“That Ms. Butterworth is a trollop; I know what I saw,” Burroughs said. “There’s a reason Mr. Clean is smiling all the time.”

Fast forward to 2009 and Burroughs has become a folk hero to the people of Lenoir County.

“I hold the record for the most community service hours logged for the entire state,” Burroughs said proudly.

While Burroughs is currently fielding offers from TV and radio, she believes politics is the next logical step.

“I told President Obama if he waited on sending more troops into Afghanistan that he would win the Nobel Peace Prize,” Burroughs said. “I’m hoping he’ll get me a job in the Department of Offense.”

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Jon can be contacted at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.encblogs.com.