What a way to run a junkyard

            INDIANAPOLIS - The Allstate 400 at the Brickyard could just as have well been run at the Junkyard, not Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The plot made The Legend of Ricky Bobby look like Citizen Kane. Jimmie Johnson won it, but Will Ferrell should have.

            Instead of a 400-mile stock-car race, this was a 400-mile relay. A few laps, a few blown tires, pit stops, and then, if no one dropped the baton, the green flag came out again. It was the world's longest sprint-car program: one 10-lap heat race after another.

            A race like this had been run before, but it was on Saturday morning, the characters were cartoons, and the title was The Wacky Racers. For the record, Penelope Pitstop edged Dick Dastardly.

            The first three times a scheduled "competition caution" - one of the great lame designations in a sport famous for them - didn't come off because the field couldn't make it without tires popping like helium balloons.

            Mark Martin had to pit twice under green before the race was 50 laps old. The second time Martin was pitting, Matt Kenseth's left-rear tire was exploding on the back straight at the same time, and because the tire exploded, the entire left rear of the No. 17 exploded with it.

            Can you say "Qantas from Hong Kong"?

            Oh, yeah, Carl Edwards, Kenseth's teammate, caught a lucky break. His tire just went flat while Martin's car was pitting and Kenseth's was exploding.

            The night before the race, Goodyear had its Pocono tires shipped in. Everything but the blimp exploded. Wonder if Goodyear has a Pocono blimp?

            Oh, the humanity.

On the 27^th day of August

My true love gave to me

12 tires blowing

11 drivers screaming

10 Goodyear officials dancing

Nine cars a-spinning

Eight inspectors hiding

Seven exhausted crewmen

Six thrown clipboards

Five eggs a-laying

Four blistered sidewalls

Three sleeping CEOs

Two lost sponsors

And a quarter million ticked-off fans

            "I feel bad for the fans," said Kenseth. "We're running three-quarters speed because we're worried of the tires blowing out, and they get blown out every eight laps."

            All that was fast about the Allstate 400 was the Air Force's fly-over. Mike Helton took the emergency step of actually appearing in the television broadcast booth on live television, a sign of desperation. Normally he just harangues TV guys during commercials. To summarize, Helton was asked over and over if anything was wrong or if anything could've been different, and over and over he said everything was fine.

            An extensive NASCAR investigation, conducted by the National Stock Car Commission, concluded that this was either (a.) God's will, or, (b.) the work of the Devil. A blue-ribbon panel is now trying to narrow the tire problem down to a plague of locusts or invisible fire from the sky.

            Things, of course, got better. By the halfway point, NASCAR officials had pulled off the incredible feat of waving consecutive lack-of-competition caution flags without several tires exploding first.

            On the morning of the race, Greg Stucker revealed that Goodyear planned to use the Pocono tire compound - provided, of course, it didn't have to use them here - at Bristol, as well.

            Same tire at Bristol and Pocono? Where else? Eldora? The Baja 1,000? Are you sure that compound isn't on your SUV? If it is, better pull off for a competition trip to the restroom.

            The only thing worse than watching this race on TV was being here live. The late Evel Knievel's abortive leap of the Snake River Canyon would've been the cool move of this race.

            You can reach Monte Dutton at mdutton@gastongazette.com.