It should stay in ‘Vegas’

Oh, if only the cast and crew of “What Happens in Vegas …” had taken the famous slogan literally and, yes, stayed there. The fewer people privy to this slobbering, emotionally incoherent rom-com bender, the better.

Then again, what did the producers expect when they cast two of the most effortlessly obnoxious actors in Hollywood as their romantic leads? Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz play Jack and Joy, respectively – both New Yorkers who high-tail it to Sin City after suffering painful breakups. For the tightly wound Joy, it was the indignity of getting axed by her pasty Wall Street fiance (“SNL” regular Jason Sudeikis) within earshot of all their friends. For the under-wound Jack, it was the indignity of getting axed from his job as a carpentry foreman by his hard-to-please father (Treat Williams).

Director Tom Vaughan – he of the charming but little-seen collegiate comedy “Starter for 10” (2006) – has a less certain feel for screwball than he does for character-driven fare, but the movie does perk up, briefly, when Jack and Joy make acquaintance in Vegas and spend the night drowning their sorrows in a whirlpool of all-out debauchery. One party-montage later and – voila! – Joy and Jack are newlyweds, though neither they nor their sidekicks (played by Lake Bell and Rob Corddry) remember much of the alcohol-soaked nuptials.

Nothing an annulment can't fix, right? And so it would be, if Jack – using Joy's quarter – didn't hit a $3 million slot-machine jackpot just as the
two acrimoniously part ways. Now, understandably, Joy isn't so hot on the idea of dissolving their union. Not without her half of the loot.
The movie only gets truly grotesque when screenwriter Dana Fox (“The Wedding Date”) brings the action back to New York, where a judge (Dennis Miller, in an unfunny cameo) somehow summons the extralegal powers to put Jack's Vegas winnings in escrow.

Not only that, he sentences the couple to “six months of hard marriage” before he frees the money – a nonsensical proviso introduced solely so
Jack and Joy can have the usual marital dust-ups over toilet seats and hygiene before that inevitable moment when Jack sees Joy in a va-va-voom cocktail dress and says to himself: “Hey! Maybe she IS the girl for me!” Most everything in the interval is alternately contrived, mean-spirited or flat-out bunk. Jack and Joy hit the jackpot. We crap out.

“What Happens in Vegas … ”
Stars: Ashton Kutcher, Cameron Diaz, Rob Corddry, Lake Bell
Behind the scenes: Directed by Tom Vaughan, from a script by Dana Fox
Rated: PG-13 (some sexual and crude content, and language, including a drug reference)
Running time: 1 hour, 39 minutes
Grade: D