Free Press staffer assaults coworker

 Friday started off like any other day; I came into Free Press World Headquarters and started updating www.Kinston.com. I then opened the two bags of fan mail that had accumulated over the Thanksgiving holiday.

The hate mail is kept in a warehouse in New Bern; we're working on a deal with NASA to plug up the hole in the ozone.

Around 8:30 a.m., as Bryan Hanks and I were just getting back from the ABC store, we noticed Free Press reporter Chris Lavender had fallen down in the parking lot. As we ran over to help him, we realized the ABC cashier had overcharged us for a bottle of Ripple.

Around 8:45 a.m., we returned from the ABC store with our refund, and we were then finally able to give Chris some assistance.

As we knelt down, we could see that Chris had been beaten up. He had scratch marks on his face and a high-heel shoe wedged in his ear. He seemed to be unconscious, so we opened a bottle of Ripple and held it under his nose, and within few seconds his eyes opened and he began to speak in a hushed tone.

"Ladies ... hurt ... Chris ... shopping ... so bad," said Chris, as he teetered in and out of consciousness.

About that time, Free Press photographer Janet Sutton pulled into the parking lot. She said she and Chris were covering the Black Friday shopping spree in Kinston.

"Chris was trying to interview a couple of ladies at the mall," Sutton said. "They were reaching for a pair of shoes when Chris tried to ask them a question. They thought he was trying to get to the shoes also and they proceeded to beat on him like a rented mule."

Janet went on to say that she snapped some photos during the melee, which was only halted when the store manager announced that a new shipment of Paula Dean cigarette cozies had just arrived. The women ran to the other side of the store, trampling Chris as they ran.

I asked Janet if she got any pictures; she said she held up her camera and took some random shots, hoping to get a glimpse of those who nearly knocked the white off of Chris.

Janet hooked her camera up to her computer, and unloaded the photos. One by one we examined the photos, until we finally found one shot that exposed the culprit; it was none other than Paulette Burroughs of the Free Press.

Paulette, who works in the customer service department of The Free Press, got into the office around 7:50 a.m., and she was bragging about all of the good deals she got while shopping. I should have known something was up when she was missing one shoe and resting her hand on a bag of ice.

An emergency meeting was called; Chris and Paulette met with Editor Patrick Holmes for several hours. When they emerged from the meeting, Chris had agreed not to press charges in exchange for being allowed to cover cheerleader tryouts at East Carolina University for the next five years.

Paulette was let off with just a warning, because, frankly, she knows so much about so many people here that she could sue the company into oblivion.

Moral of the story: Don't interrupt women while they're shopping and Paulette can do whatever she wants.