Reality show to be filmed on Outer Banks

Since the news got out that Wachovia was taking a dirt nap, I've been in a reflective mood. I've banked with Wachovia since I was 14. Tobacco money earned in the summers was routinely placed in a savings account so that when I turned 16, I'd be able to cruise Bucklesberry in style.

My parents said they would pay for half of the car, which I thought was fair. Their theory was that I'd appreciate the car more if I helped pay for it and they were right. If anybody so much as leaned on that 1988 Chevrolet Celebrity, I would remember how many leaves of tobacco I had to crop to pay for the thing, and I would immediately spray them with mace until they got away from the car.

Since I'm running for president, I've come up with a solution to the banking crisis. We don't need a $700 billion bailout/rescue/Hail Mary; we need a plan.

Under my administration, all of the executives that oversaw the predatory lending will be required to spend one year working at a job that pays $10 an hour, with no benefits. They will have no access to their millions kept in banks, mattresses and offshore accounts.

After a year of working at Wal-Mart and eating fish sticks every day of the week, hopefully they'll think twice before trying to suck the blood out of those folks looking for a part of the American Dream.

Secondly, the American Dreamers themselves that signed up for a home loan they knew they couldn't afford will be sent to a remedial economics class. They will be given a dollar and seated at a table displaying various items. If they try to buy a $2 item with their $1, an instructor will pop them on the hand with a stick.

After the bankers and the dreamers have finished their courses, they will be sent to a resort on the Outer Banks, and their exploits will be filmed for a reality show called "Vampires and Suckers", to air on the CW.

The show will be hosted by Donald Trump and Michael Moore. Each week contestants will search for prizes in Donald Trump's hair. The winners will get to spend 24 hours in one of Michael Moore's vacation homes while he's out campaigning against rich people.

Hopefully relationships will bloom, and the cross pollination of the two groups will create a new breed of brilliant business people with plenty of heart and common sense.

I could hear a lot of you snickering when Patrick Holmes and I announced our bid for the presidency. But we're serious about the presidency, and we're serious about businessman/everyman cross breeding.

The After Party approved this message.

Jon Dawson's column appears every Thursday in The Free Press. You can reach him at (252) 559-1083 or at jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out his blog at http://jdawson.encblogs.com