Column: Mayonnaise prevents blood donation

Our voluptuous managing editor, Bryan Hanks, hitch-hiked over to Deep Run last Wednesday night to give blood. While I applaud Bryan’s selfless act, I do think it was inappropriate for him to show up wearing a white shirt covered in ketchup stains.

(I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone about a great song called “Deep Run,” which is available on iTunes, Amazon.com and thirdofnever.net. This has nothing to do with the column, but I get paid by the word.)

As the Red Cross worker prepped Bryan for his donation, a very nice woman by the name of Myra Deaver told Bryan he liked my columns and asked if there was anything wrong with me.

After Bryan took five minutes to determine the relative meaning of “wrong,” he replied that I was doing as well as could be expected. South Lenoir sports legend Jimmy Smith also had nice things to say, but he wondered if my hair was real or a composite of pine straw, ferret and/or donkey.

The volunteer was having trouble locating a vein that wasn’t covered in Punky Brewster tattoos, so Bryan had to roll up his pant leg and donate through his ankle, but not before having to remove his prized UNC anklet. According to eyewitness reports, Hanks insisted his socks remain on because he feared his 11th toe would clear the room.

A few minutes later, two women who appeared to be in the middle of a 12-step program slithered up to Bryan and told him they didn’t “get me” or think I was funny. Bryan replied that he agreed with them wholeheartedly, but they kept me on because no one else was dumb enough to work for such low wages.

As the Anheuser-Busch sisters stumbled away, a Red Cross representative yanked the needle out of Bryan’s ankle like she was trying to start a lawn mower.

Apparently, the donation bags are coated with a solution that will turn the blood green if an unusual amount of toxins are detected in the blood.

As Bryan put his anklet back on and wedged that 11th toe into his special order Brogans, a nurse told Bryan that his blood would be tested overnight and to expect results in the morning.

The next morning, Bryan received a call from the Red Cross. After an uncomfortable conversation in which the nurse told Bryan that no, she was not turned on by unexplained appendages, she told Bryan the tests revealed his blood was 10 percent plasma, 10 percent platelets, 20 percent spaghetti sauce, 20 percent mayonnaise, 20 percent Miracle Whip and 20 percent government cheese.

Not one to let bodily fluids go to waste, Bryan poured the cheese-tainted blood into the inkwell of the consolidated Freedom Communications printing press in Jacksonville, thus making Bryan the first journalist to literally put blood, sweat and tears into his work.

To book Jon Dawson for your corporate event or children’s party, contact him at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.encblogs.com. If you dislike Jon Dawson, you really shouldn’t have read this far anyway.