Column: Kinston man might lose woman to car

I’ve decided to branch out and start an advice column. If you’d like me to respond to your letter in the paper, mail it to The Free Press with your $10 donation.

Letter No. 1:

Dear Jon,

I work at the Piggly Wiggly on North Heritage Street. Not to get all Phil Collins here, but against all odds a few months ago, a beautiful woman here at the store and I started dating. Everything was going fine until she noticed a bright red modified car in our parking lot.

The car is owned by a guy I work with named Junior. His car is the most tricked-out thing this side of the Space Shuttle. It sits about 5 feet off the ground, has propellers, a working shower and an in-dash microwave oven

Junior’s car has won all kinds of awards for his car, and he can’t drive around the mall without women throwing themselves on the hood. I’m glad Junior’s work has paid off, but I’m beginning to think my girlfriend has fallen prey to the charms of Junior’s Frankenstein-mobile. My boss John Johnson said he saw her hugging his bumper the other day.

What should I do?

Ashley Mills, Customer Relations, Piggly Wiggly

Dear Ashley,

After receiving your letter, I decided to drive through the parking lot of your store. As I drove through, I noticed Junior’s car; in fact, the thing is so bright a few dimwitted girls in bikinis were trying to tan next to it.

Based on your most recent Facebook photo and rumored extra set of teeth under each armpit, it is imperative that you minimize your girlfriend’s exposure to Junior’s car. My advice is to report Junior to the N.C. Department of Transportation, because it looks like that thing he’s driving is as illegal as my housekeeper.

Letter No. 2

Dear Jon,

I’m a local politician, and everybody’s picking on me for supporting the unpopular idea to annex part of Lenoir County. Nobody’s inviting me to their parties anymore, the free meals and kickbacks are drying up, and I’ve developed a nasty rash due to the stress.

What should I do?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Ah, the annexation, or as I like to call it, “The Hindenburg ’09.” What a turd in the punch bowl that has turned out to be.

The first thing you’re going to want to do is grow a beard; a big, bushy, walrus-with-a-thyroid-problem, Wilford Brimley beard. You should also consider investing in a wig and fingerprint alteration surgery.

Lastly, you’re going to want to do is enter some sort of witness relocation program. Not the cheapo version where they change your last name to “Janofski;” I mean the “move-to-Arizona- and-open-a-bait-shop” variety that ex-Mafioso’s get.

As for the rash, I suggest mixing a cup of Old Spice, a pint of pureed butterbeans and a thimble-full of Sea Breeze. Mix the ingredients together in a plastic bowl and microwave for 30 seconds. After cooling, apply your homemade ointment to the infected area and to the adjacent areas adjacent.

If this works, let us know and we’ll sprinkle some of it around the proposed annexation area; if it’ll stop one kind of rash from spreading, it may stop another.

Jon Dawson can be reached at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@encblogs.com. Check out his blog at jdawson.encblogs.com. Happy Birthday, Emma!