Column: U.F.O. spotted over Wal-Mart

On Tuesday night as shoppers were on the hunt for falling prices, some of them claim to have seen a falling saucer.

According to incident reports obtained from local law enforcement, 37 people claimed a large, cigar-shaped craft briefly hovered over the Walmart on U.S. 70 in Kinston.

“It hovered over the store for a few minutes,” said Walmart greeter Whit Herring. “Then it started to sputter and eventually it crash-landed at the gas station in front of the Platinum Corral.”

A 911 tape obtained by The Free Press illustrates just how terrified those who claim to have seen the U.F.O. were at the time. The following is a partial transcript of a call received by Lenoir County Emergency Services:

Caller: “I NEED TO REPORT A U.F.O.!”

911 Center: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I’M IN MY CAR!”

911: “Where is your car, sir?”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT; LISTEN, I WAS ON MY WAY TO A SPANDEX SEMINAR IN ALABAMA. I STOPPED TO GET SOME GAS AND A U.F.O. PULLED UP BESIDE ME.”

911: (laughter) “A what, sir?”

1. Caller: “LISTEN, NOW, I HEAR YOU LAUGHING BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW; THIS LITTLE GREEN, BUG-EYED SUCKER CRAWLED OUT OF THAT U.F.O. LIKE IT WAS THE GENERAL LEE, FILLED THE U.F.O. UP WITH HIGH TEST, BUT HE GOT MAD WHEN THE PUMP COULDN’T READ HIS CREDIT CARD. HE STORMED INSIDE TO PAY AND HE CAME OUT WITH A PACK OF BEEF JERKY, A BIG GULP MT. DEW AND A HONEY BUN. THEN PAULETTE BURROUGHS SHOWED UP AND ______________  ____________ ! THEN THEY ____________  _______________  ___________________ WITH BOTH HANDS ON THE DASH _______________   _________ __________    ________________  _______ _____________ ________ WITH COOL WHIP ___________ ___________ RUBBER BAND ON THE SIDE  _________________, AND THEN _____  ___________  ______________  ________________ ICY HOT, WHICH MADE IT GET ALL __________________  _______________________     ___________________ _______________   THE DOCTOR SAID __________ _________BULBOUS ______ __ PAPER CLIP   _____________________    _____________ __ ____ _______    GOT ON TOP OF ____________  ___ _________ _____  WITH A C-CLAMP AND ____________ ________ ___________   LEFT A SKID MARK_____________ ___ _______  ___________________ ___ __________    THAT AJAX COULDN’T WASH OFF!”

911: (laughter) “Sir, are you trying to tell me that an alien abducted Paulette Burroughs and __  ________ __________ with a pitchfork and then smeared ___________ __________  with a box of croutons _____________ ___________   _______________   ________________ _____________ sardines ________ and an adult diaper?”

Caller: “THAT’S RIGHT!”

Editor’s note: Due to a new City of Kinston tax on humor, this week’s column could not be printed in its entirety. If you’d like to see how this story ends up, please contact the City of Kinston and ask the city to lift the Laugh Tax.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.encblogsc.com. To win an all-expense paid lunch, cut out the column above, fill in the blanks with your own material, and mail it to someone who has some money.