Column: Fox News crew stranded in Kinston

As was reported in the Free Press earlier this week, Fox News dispatched a four-man crew to cover the nonpartisan election bugaboo that blew up nationally last week.

In the interest of full disclosure, the boys from Fox asked me for an interview, but negotiations over my appearance fee broke down: I wanted money, they wanted to pay me off with a signed photo of Bill O’Reilly and a roll of Keith Olbermann toilet paper.

 As the Fox crew was putting away their equipment after interviewing some locals at Christopher’s, their cameraman, Cedric, noticed a female vision standing at the front door. As he wound up his cables, he realized the angelic figure was headed his way.

As Cedric reached out his hand to shake hers, he noticed a tattoo on her left hand that read, ‘Paul’. On the other hand, a tattoo read ‘ette’.

“Hey big boy, I’m Paulette Burroughs, but my friends call me Defendant!” Paulette said.

Cedric was intoxicated by Paulette’s beauty. Also, Paulette was puffing on what appeared to be a large cigarette that was filled with an exotic tobacco substitute.

“What kind of cigarettes are those?” Cedric asked.

“The guy I bought ’em from said they were Newports imported from Jamaica,” Paulette said. “I usually don’t like to pay $200 for a pack of smokes, but these bad boys have cured my glaucoma and they make Jay Leno even seem interesting.”

Cedric invited Paulette to stay and split a bowl of grits with him, but Paulette said she was late for a meeting with her parole officer. She wrote her number on a napkin and ran out the back of the restaurant without paying.

As the Fox crew went around Kinston interviewing politicians, Cedric caught himself thinking about Paulette. The napkin with her number written on it was smudged with jelly and grit juice; and every so often, Cedric would hold the napkin under his nose as if he were sniffing a vintage wine, a freshly cut rose or a pair of antique gym socks.

The crew was scheduled to depart the RDU airport at 6 p.m., and as noon approached, Cedric began to panic. The thought of never seeing Paulette again terrified him and the second-hand smoke from Paulette’s cucumber-sized spliff was really messing with his head.

With their interviews done, Cedric called Paulette and they agreed to rendezvous at Bojangles at 1 p.m.

Sadly, Cedric didn’t realize there were 17 Bojangles’ in Kinston.

Cedric proceeded to search every Bojangles in the greater Kinston area. The Bojangles on Vernon, the Bojangles by the hospital, the Bojangles inside the Kinston Library, the Bojangles inside of the Bojangles on Vernon and the special “squirrels-only” Bojangles located in the woods next to the Nature Center.

After an exhaustive search, Cedric gave up. In a melodramatic twist straight out of a Mike Krzyzewski romance novel, it turns out that Paulette got confused and was waiting for Cedric in front of the ABC store.

At 2:30 p.m., Griff “The Crime Dog” Jenkins called Cedric and said it was time to head to the airport.

“Come pick us up, Cedric,” Griff said. “It’s my turn to give Limbaugh his tick bath this week and it’ll take all day to find a mirror large enough for him to stand over.”

Cedric told Griff in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t leaving Kinston without Paulette. Without a ride to the airport, the Fox News crew was — and still is — stranded at the Kinston Motor Lodge.

Cedric was last seen cruising Queen Street looking for Paulette. Paulette was last seen trying to use a coupon from 1993 at the Golden Corral.

To book Jon Dawson for your corporate event or children’s party, contact him at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.enc.com.