Dawson Column: All-America City details leaked to press

A group of hopeful Kinstonians is heading to Tampa this week to bring the All-America City title back to Kinston.

While the awesomeness of this town speaks for itself, a few members of the group pooled their money to buy a little insurance.

In a Free Press exclusive, a local businessman who is part of the group traveling to Tampa has agreed to talk about the extra measures that are being taken to secure the All-American City title for Kinston.

To protect his identity, he has asked that we refer to him as "Victoria."

"We investigated the members of the All-America committee, and it turns out that one of the members used to live in Lenoir County," Mr. Victoria said. "After a little research, we discovered he was married to local celebrity Paulette Burroughs back in 1973, only to divorce her 12 days later."

According to court documents, Paulette's former husband listed "exhaustion" and "spinal disalignment" as his reasons for wanting a divorce.

"We figured if Paulette could pop this guy's clutch 36 years ago that she could help us win his vote," Mr. Victoria said.

Each of the towns competing for the title are required to prepare a 10-minute presentation for the All-America committee. According to documents suppled by Mr. Victoria, the Kinston delegation has gone all out to secure a victory.

Act I includes a soft-shoe tap dancing routine to be performed by Kinston Mayor Buddy Ritch, who will be dressed as Kinston Indians mascot "Scout" for the entire week.

"He wore the costume home from a game last week and forgot to return it," a K-Tribe staffer said.

Act II will feature a tribute to Marilyn Monroe by Paulette.

"Her recreation of the steam grate scene from ‘The Seven Year Itch' is incredible," Mr. Victoria said. "She wears a white dress and duct tapes a hair dryer to each of her ankles. When you hear those dryers crank up, y'all might as well cancel Christmas because it's going to get Hee Haw up in here."

Look for my update on the Tampa trip in Thursday's edition of The Free Press.

Jon Dawson can be reached at jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon's blog at http://jdawson.encblogs.com.