Column: Kinston juror attacks judge

Editor’s note: Jon Dawson is still recovering from surgery that fine-tuned his funny bone. This classic column originally appeared on Feb. 10, 2009.

The judicial system has thrown us some curves over the last few years. Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson have gotten away with murder and the television executive that came up with “The Bachelor” is still not in jail.

While all of these examples are enough to turn water into gravy, none of them is as crazy as what happened a few weeks back: Paulette Burroughs of The Free Press was called for jury duty.

The last we heard of Paulette, she’d just thrown a refrigerator at one of our reporters and was living in the trees somewhere near the Nature Center. After some of the boys from Raleigh took her down with some giraffe tranquilizers, she’s been resting comfortably in the same facility that helped get Bryan Hanks off of Skittles in the late 1980s.

Apparently, whoever does the background checks on potential jurors didn’t get the memo on Paulette’s recent setbacks. We all tried to convince her to get out of it; we even offered her 10 minutes alone in a room with reporter Chris Lavender, but she would not budge.

She did, however, hit him over the head with a (full) coffee pot on her way out the door.

As Paulette walked down the hall of the courthouse, all of the deputies gave her those knowing nods that folks who’ve spent a lot of time together give each other. Deputy Daughety, who’d once been called to break up a bar fight caused by Paulette in Seven Springs, remembered his first meeting with Paulette.

“We drove out to the Bandito and The Goat, a tooth-optional beer joint that’s long since been shut down,” Daughety said. “When we got in there, Paulette had lit a pool stick on fire and was holding 12 people hostage in the men’s room. One of them changed the radio station from Kiss 102, and she took it a little personal.”

According to the incident report, Paulette was grooving to the song “Old School Boo” when the fight broke out.

As Paulette entered the courtroom, she was instructed to sit on the left with the other potential jurors. However, out of habit, Paulette sat on the right sight of the courtroom with the defendants.

Before she realized she was on the wrong with of the courtroom, she was recognized by several folks in the defendant pool.

A short, stocky man with a precocious odor called out, “Hey, baby! I haven’t seen you since fleet week!” Another gentleman asked Paulette if she could still do the chap stick/Budweiser trick.

Once she made her way to the left side of the room with the rest of the jurors, the proceedings began. The judge started calling potential jurors forward and the grilling began.

The day wore on, and finally it was Paulette’s turn in the hot seat. She walked up to the stand, sat in the chair and propped her feet up on the judge’s desk.

“I’m missin’ my stories,” Paulette said. “Lets get a move on, how ’bout it?”

The lawyer asked Paulette if she had ever been convicted of a felony.

“Is changing the date on malt liquor coupons a felony?” Paulette said.

“Have you had any contact with the defendant in this case?” asked the lawyer.

“Not yet, but just give me a little time,” Paulette said. “I wore my Chanel Number 69 perfume today; it won’t be long now!”

At that point, the judge slammed his gavel so hard that it splintered and a piece of wood struck Paulette in the face. Filled with rage and Colt 45, Paulette tackled the judge and spent the next few minutes trying to rip his mustache off.

Four deputies tried to subdue Paulette, but they couldn’t handle her. In a last-ditch effort, the deputies duct-taped their taser guns together Ghostbusters-style and created a super beam of electricity that knocked her cold.

Paulette was removed from the courtroom, but oddly, wasn’t disqualified from jury duty.

To be continued…

Jon Dawson can be reached at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.encblogs.com.