It takes a village...

We bought a new television. Sounds simple. Well, I'm here to say there's a whole lot more to it than there used to be. Holy cow, I can't believe how many people and appointments are involved before it finally lights up our den.

It was spur of the moment, although the thought had bounced around our collective heads for a while. Those ultrasharp flat-screen things are everywhere, and we couldn't help but be impressed by picture qualities.

Everybody has them, even banks where they're part of the security system. Although they obviously skimp on cameras, the pictures are still excellent - but not perfect. I know their cameras are subpar because I don't look like that! If I robbed a bank, they'd put out bulletins to be on the lookout for a fat guy with gray hair. Who's that?

Banks aren't alone. A lot of businesses save money by cutting electronic corners. Look at fast food restaurants. Good grief, I'll bet there's not one drive-through speaker in town that cost more than $5 - "hiss, squawk, crackle."

We browsed through the Sam's TV section last week. I knew television had come a long way but didn't know how far. Wow! And, wonder-of-wonders, prices have really come down on plasma and LCD technology. Double wow!

We decided to look further, dropping by one national store specializing in electronic goodies. Unfortunately, they didn't specialize in people to help me. Oh, there were probably plenty of floor people circulating, but I couldn't distinguish them from customers.

I guess uniforms aren't how they want to go, but they should have something setting them apart. Hey, I know! Why not issue "official" ear or nose rings to help us older folks find them? They wouldn't even have to poke new holes. You know, "one nail fits all." Sorry. A crotchety old man lives behind these eyes and sometimes pops out.

We went to Best Buy. I'd been in there once before. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out their laptops, found a salesperson and she helped me find what I wanted and out the door I went with it in the bag. Voila!

I scheduled their "Geek" guy to come by my office and set it up. He showed up right on time, did the work, spoke in complete sentences and was professionally dressed. I was impressed.

So, framed by that good experience, Ann and I went in to see what they had in the way of big televisions. This trip turned out a mirror image of my laptop quest. Our saleslady knew what she was talking about and answered our questions. We bought.

I'd like to say "the end," but there was much more for us to do. From the moment we paid for it, we began planning installation like a military operation. It doesn't take a village to raise a child but definitely takes one to set up a new TV.

It's way too wide for our present cabinet, which is a very nice piece of furniture. So we've decided to cut the covered area off and use the base. For the task, I enlisted a friend and co-worker with woodworking skills.

John Worrell, a fellow CPA with whom I work at Donald Scott's volunteered to cut off the offending part. That made Ann very happy because she was terribly concerned that I would attempt to use a power tool - a saw - and feared we'd end up a Channel 12 news bulletin.

John will perform the "cabinetectomy" Tuesday. Hopefully all will go well because "Moby Screen" arrives the next day.

But, that's not the end of it. I called Time Warner for HD digital boxes and their set-up. I'm switching to Road Runner and bundling our telephone (with the same number) into the package. Also, they'll put in the wireless router for my laptop. Whew!

I have their appointment scheduled 10 days after John operates and 9 days after Best Buy delivers. I've established a central control center, which is on the glass table next to my recliner. From there, I'll coordinate the operation with chips and dip.

I know all the effort will be worth it, although I'm not quite sure exactly what's on TV that I want to see in greater and sharper detail. Science and nature programs will surely be made more enjoyable.

Even watching regular programming will be better in some cases. For example, on my old screen when the "CSI Miami" guy discovers GSR (gunshot residue) or GSM (gunshot mist) around an entry wound on a victim, I can barely make it out. Not after next Wednesday! Shazam!

Otis Gardner's column appears here each Saturday. He can be found in brilliant color and high definition at ogardner@embarqmail.com.