COLUMN: Kids do the funniest things

            CONCORD - Apparently, this NASCAR world is a bit difficult getting used to. This I learned Saturday tracking the progress of some of my relatives attending Saturday night's Bank of America 500.

            Their tickets were in my possession. The idea was for me to meet their party, return to the press box and then, perhaps later, walk down to where they were seated and visit for a bit.

            This, I thought, might happen at, say, 5:30 or so. That's when my niece called to inform me brightly that she was on her way.

            I thought she meant from her car to the track so I sent a text message: WHERE R U?

            The reply: OH, WE R STILL N COLA, BUT IT DOESN'T START TIL 730, RIGHT?

            "Cola," by the way, is Columbia, the capital of South Carolina. It's possible she, her mate and her friends could make it to the track by 7:30 if there were no one else here, if there were no traffic and if they could park within a mile of the speedway.

            I wrote another text message:

            HOW N HELL CAN I MEET U WITH TIX IF U R NOT HERE TIL RACE ALREADY STARTED?

            A long wait, during which my niece was undoubtedly pondering the possibility that I was mad. Finally the phone rang.

            "Well, if it's not my almost, but not quite, brain-dead niece. Having a nice, leisurely ride, are you?"

            "Well, we should be there by the time the race starts, shouldn't we? It doesn't start till, like, 7:25, and we're about, maybe, an hour and a half away."

            "Sugar, you have no idea what you are driving into. You might catch a traffic break by coming so late, but you're going to be parking a long, long way from the track. Trust me. There is no way in the world you can possibly be here by the time the race starts."

            Pause.

            "All right. I love you. Bye."

            Kids. They've got to learn somewhere. Why not Lowe's Motor Speedway on a Saturday night?"

            After fetching the tickets and leaving them at the track's will-call window, I returned to the press box and sent another text:

            N YOUR NAME AT WILL-CALL. BEHIND CENTER OF FRONT STRAIGHT. WHOLE BLDG IS WILL-CALL. TIX N YOUR NAME. GO 2 ‘H' WINDOW. GOOD LUCK N MAY GOD BLESS.

            Unfortunately for my niece, the Bank of America 500 wasn't a high-school football game, and Lowe's Motor Speedway wasn't Carowinds.

            I thought to myself, wait till she finds out what traffic's like after the race.

            You can reach Monte Dutton at mdutton@gastongazette.com.