Getting it off my chest

Sure, it's beautiful outside today and those leaves are stunning in their full fall colors, but I'm still in a bad mood today.

I'm sure you want to know why - but even if you don't, here are a few reasons why I'm grumpier than John McCain this morning ...

-Bicycle riders who ride on the wrong side of the road. You're supposed to ride with the flow of traffic, not against it, putz. When I run over you, you'll start riding on the correct side.

-Guys who want to chat with you while you're standing at the urinal. Listen clearly: I'm at the urinal for one reason and it's not to talk to you about the weather, college football or politics. We can take all or any of those subjects up when we walk outside the restroom, OK?

-Schmucks who don't give you the wave when you let them in front of you in traffic. I'm sitting still for three minutes, I let you in front of me (although I have 100 cars behind me) and you can't take a freaking second and give me a wave? I hope your alternator breaks - you deserve it.

-Speaking of the "wave," it shouldn't be allowed at any athletic event. You're there to watch a game, not to participate in quasi-group activities. And I'd like to smack the guy who's had a few too many who gets up in front of the crowd and tries to start the wave. That would be a good time to sneak a BB gun into the game so you could plunk him one in his groin. I bet that'd stop him.

-People who wear Bluetooth phones on their ears ALL THE TIME. Newsflash, genius: 95 percent of people own cellular phones and you don't see the majority of them looking like idiots with little flashing blue lights on their ear. It has its usefulness when you're in the car, but if you're walking around Vernon Park Mall or Wal-Mart with it on, you're a loser.

-Jared from Subway. Congratulations, you lost 150 pounds more than 10 years ago. We don't care. If those cold cut combos with extra olives and mayo weren't so doggoned delicious, I'd stop going there myself because of Jared and his smug "Oh, I'm skinny now and you're not" expression he wears all the time. It makes me want to shove a spoonful of lard in his mouth.

-Fast food restaurants that run out of food. I went to KFC a few weeks ago and - you guessed it - they were out of chicken. Isn't the word "chicken" part of KFC? Ridiculous.

-That "Saved By Zero" commercial that plays about 50 times an hour during everything I watch on TV. See, now it's in your head, isn't it? Go ahead, sing along softly with me - "Saved by zero." Now quickly and louder: "Saved by zero! Saved by zero!"

-The NFL network. I pay $80 a month for cable but I can't watch pro football games on Thursday night because the billion dollar industry known as the NFL won't allow the game on my cable network?

-Guys in the NFL who celebrate making a tackle like they've won the freaking Super Bowl - even when they're down 40-3 late in the fourth quarter. Get up and go back to the huddle, you moron.

-Getting older. In just the past year, I've had to get to get glasses for the first time in my life and wear a heart monitor for a short time. I can't walk normally for two days after playing basketball for an hour. I'm two months away from turning 40, but I didn't know it was all going to break down this quickly.

There, now I feel a little bit better. Want to share your gripes? Go to my blog at http://bhanks.encblogs.com and leave them in the comments of this column.

It'll make you feel better, too, especially after you check out the Eye Candy of the Day feature.

If that doesn't work, there's nothing I can do for you, dude.

Bryan Hanks' column appears every Sunday in The Free Press. You can reach him at (252) 559-1074 or bhanks@freedomenc.com