Column: UNC/UVa game leads to fight in Kinston office

Yes, the UNC basketball program is on the ropes this year. For eons, UNC has religiously beaten the snot out of the competition. This tradition of simply being better than everybody else most of the time has left a bad taste in the mouth of UNC’s Atlantic Coast Conference brethren.

Bad seasons for UNC basketball come around with the frequency of Haley’s Comet, so when the Tar Heels have a bad season, all of the little girlie teams that Carolina has beaten like a rented mule for decades suddenly bow up like like a redneck in a bar fight and decide to take advantage of their 6-minutes of superiority.

The only sport I’ve ever paid any attention to is ACC basketball. Football, baseball and golf are all reasonably fun to play, but as spectator sports, they are about as interesting to watch as “How Did He Get A Show?: The Jimmy Kimmel Story.”

When I talk about ACC basketball, I’m not talking about the current version — I’m old school, baby. I’m talking about the ACC that consisted of eight teams; the ACC that allowed all of the teams to actually play each other twice in one year; the ACC that would howl with laughter at the thought of Boston College becoming part of the conference. Why not just bring in a team from Russia and get it over with?

As far as I’m concerned, the best way to experience a basketball game is to turn the sound down on the TV and listen to the radio coverage. Even Bryan Hanks (who, to his credit, has openly supported the University of Virginia prior to its recent success) even admits that he enjoys the broadcasting prowess and goofball charm of The Voice of The Tar Heels, Woody Durham.

I know most of you out there are obsessed with getting a TV the size of a billboard, but there is just something magical about an old school play-by-play man’s voice that is more interesting to me than a TV picture that is so clear you can read the tattoos of the players without having to get out of your chair.

While I’ve been known to holler or punch something while listening to a game, I’ve never felt the urge to strip down to my drawers, cover myself in navy blue body paint and jump up and down and scream like an orangutan on PCP for the duration of a game. How anyone could sit next to one of these idiots at Cameron Indoor Stadium and enjoy the game is beyond me.

Take it from someone who processes hundreds of police reports a week: If you or I acted like those Cameron Crazies on Queen Street, we’d be arrested. I understand showing team pride, but really, it’s not worth making a complete fool of yourself to support a group of guys that would never hang out with you in real life.

Even The Free Press is not immune to this sort of overzealous behavior. I called Bryan on Monday morning in reference to a crime story, and he was literally choking back the tears after an encounter with everybody’s favorite Tar Heel fan, Paulette Burroughs.

According to Hanks — who admitted to wearing a UVA shirt at the time of the incident — he walked up to Paulette and said good morning. But upon seeing his shirt, she turned her head and let several expletives fly.

After hearing this, I called Paulette to get her side of the story, because Paulette has to deal with a lot of customers who are — to put it politely — “full of personality.” If somebody’s paper is late, wet, or half eaten, Paulette is the one who has to handle the problem, and she usually does so with a smile on her face; so the idea of her attacking Hanks for simply wearing a shirt seemed out of character.

I got Paulette on the phone and her version of events was a bit different.

“Oh he came in wearing this big orange shirt,” Paulette said. “Nancy Saunders said he looked like an orange traffic cone.”

According to Paulette, Hanks walked into the office with a boombox. He then placed the boombox on the floor, hit the play button, and as the Vince Guraldi music from the Charlie Brown TV specials played, Hanks proceeded to do the Snoopy dance with a life-sized cardboard cut-out of ancient UVa star Ralph Sampson.

“I admit I got a bit testy,” Paulette said. “I threw a pencil at him and he went away.”

According to Hanks, Paulette jumped over the counter, tackled him, and tried to staple his right ear to his left buttock.

After the ambulance left, Hanks and Paulette begrudgingly shook hands and went their separate ways. For my part, I’ve decided to remain neutral. Hanks is my boss, and Paulette brings food; either way, I have nothing to gain by ticking off either of these folks.

For my UNC brethren out there, I advise you to keep the faith. When Duke or N.C. State fans berate you about UNC’s poor performance this year, just remind them that in the UNC/Duke series, UNC is 33 games ahead, and in the UNC/NCSU series, UNC is 96 games ahead. Even if UNC has 10 bad seasons in a row, we’ll still be ahead of you, you petulent little weasels.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I have some whine and cheese to attend to.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1083 or jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at jdawson.encblogs.com and his web site at jondawson.com.