Column: What if Rush Limbaugh purchased the Kinston Indians?

I want to get something straight with you people right off the bat: I endorse no political party or candidate. I’m a registered independent. The Republican and Democratic parties are the biggest wastes of time, money and energy — and as far as I’m concerned, no real good can come from either of them.

Anybody that rises to national prominence in either party is a crooked as Dick Cheney’s smile or Joe Biden’s hair plugs.

That being said, the news that radio host Rush Limbaugh had been shut out of the NFL caught my attention.

Apparently Rush said some things deemed racist on his show, and even though being a racist isn’t illegal (Al Sharpton and Mel Gibson, anyone?), apparently it can keep you from using your money to buy things.

I don’t know if Rush said anything racist or not — I don’t listen to his show; or Keith Olbermann’s, or anybody else’s. I do know that Rush once said that anybody caught with illegal drugs should go to prison and never be released.

Now Rush said that before he got busted for illegally possessing OxyContin. Apparently after his bust, Rush had a change of heart.

A racist? There’s no proof. A hypocrite? Absolutely.

What should make most of us want to drive off a cliff is the fact that Rush has enough money to buy a football team. Think about it: This mass of hot air and neck fat has figured out that if you can get on the radio and reinforce what people already believe, they will throw bags of money at you. Sure, about half of the country hates his guts, but I suspect Rush — like myself — would much rather have your money than your respect.

The NFL doesn’t want Rush because he’s a controversial figure — unlike Michael Vick. Apparently making controversial comments is out of the question, but killing dogs is OK.

To recap: Speaking isn’t allowed, killing dogs is OK.

While Rush Limbaugh has the type of demeanor that makes you think he really deserves to be smacked in the head with a shovel on a daily basis, I don’t think he should give up on his dream of owning a professional sports team.

I suggest Rush take a look at the Kinston Indians.

Why do I think Rush and the Kinston Indians would be a good fit? Well, for one thing Grainger Stadium has great food, and it’s obvious that ol’ Rush likes his chow.

 “The last time he ate here we had to block off his table with crime scene tape,” said Ashley Mills of the Hoof ‘N Mouth Rib Shack in St. Louis. “When Rush gets in a zone, you’d better get out of the way; a busboy who was refilling his water accidentally got barbecue sauce on his finger and ... I’m sorry — it’s too horrible to talk about.

“Let’s just say the busboy has to give ‘high-fours’ now.”

Secondly, Kinston is full of drugs: Meth, crack, cocaine, PCP, angel dust, mushrooms, heroin, opium, crank, codeine, marijuana, morphine, caffeine, Hershey, mescaline, steroids, LSD, barbiturates, valium, gravy, Xanax, WD-40, smack, scooch, helium, ecstasy and Rush’s favorite, OxyContin. Rush could sit in his box seat or seats and be showered with great food and high-end narcotics to the space-where-his-heart-should-go’s content.

Now I have no idea if the Kinston Indians organization would be open to Rush buying them out. I was banned from the ballpark a few years back after trying to pass Monopoly money at the front gate, so I’m out of the loop.

Just think how fun it would be to have a conservative/drug addict/bucket of lard in charge of our local sports team. He could force all patrons to show up at the games in a coat and tie, only people sitting on the right side of home plate would have an unobstructed view, and all urinals would feature a picture of Olbermann.

(I have to admit that ‘taking aim’ at Keith Olbermann’s snooty face would be great bi-partisan fun. It’d almost be worth learning how to drink beer if I could clean Keith’s stupid glasses with my own personal supply.)

Come on, Rush – Kinston loves controversy, and I can tell you from experience, it won’t have any effect on your income.

To book Jon Dawson for your corporate event or children’s birthday party, call 252-559-1083 or e-mail jdawson@freedomenc.com. Check out Jon’s blog at email.thirdofnever.com.